Meds, Movement, Meetings: I’m doing all the things but I'm still unhappy, what do I do?

Mental health can be an uphill battle, even when we're doing all the things we're "supposed to".

Sometimes the mental health journey can feel like a lot of ticking boxes: 

• Take your meds as prescribed 

• Get some mindful movement in 

• Attend scheduled appointments 

• Get enough sleep 

• Engage in meaningful activities 

Knowing this, you work hard to get your brain chemicals under control so you can complete these steps to improve your mental health. But what happens when you do all the things to help yourself and you’re still feeling discontent? Whenever you gone through it and think to yourself: I'm still unhappy. On my journey I’ve learned that when all else is in place and I’m still not feeling great, it’s time to look inside and do some self-reflection. 

I’ve classified depression into three different categories: chemical, situational, and behavioral. 

Types of Depression
Chemical	This type of depression I find very debilitating. It feels very much outside of my control. It is not responsive to circumstance. Whether something goes well or not my mood state remains unchanged. For me, this is the “I don’t see the point in eating, nothing gives me pleasure, there’s nothing to get out of bed for, why am I even still existing” crippling heaviness that only responds to medication changes or sometimes alleviates with time.
Situational	In this state I find myself feeling very “blah”. I’m capable of experiencing positive emotions but they’re fleeting. I don’t generally feel “good”. It can be subtle because the discontent is there all the time, so it seems internal. However, at different points in my life, through reflection, I’ve found that if I’m in this state its because my life is not set up to be enjoyable. Whether that non-enjoyment is due to overworking, financial stressors, job dissatisfaction, or lack of meaningful social relationships. What cues me in that I’m experiencing this state is seeing if I have something I’m looking forward to or have done anything fun in the past couple weeks. To change this state, I usually have to change my routine.
Behavioral	When I’m experiencing this type of depression, I find that I can’t exactly pinpoint what’s wrong. I’m not going through something particularly difficult that’s robbing my joy, I’ve done some activities I found pleasurable, and things seem “okay” but I’m still having a lot of negative self-talk or pessimistic attitudes. When I notice that, I cue into my thought life and try to increase my happy chemicals by practicing gratitude, being mindful of my activities, and challenging cognitive distortions.

But what about when you’ve addressed the chemical, situational, and behavioral and you’re still experiencing unhappiness? That’s when it’s time to dig a little deeper. Recently, I was in such a state. I couldn’t figure out why my world felt gray despite the forward progress I was making. My situational stressors had remained consistent and I felt like I was handling them well. I had started journaling again but felt like I was writing in circles with no more insight into my discontent. I realized that I needed to do something different because my other methods weren’t working. This is how I finally started moving forward again and increased my ability to feel good: 

1. Got still and quiet. I found some down time and turned off the noise. No TV, put my phone away, and cut the music off. I gave myself permission to check in with myself and put all other thoughts on hold: to-do list items, self-improvement strategies, big life decisions I’d been turning over, worrying about other people. I gave myself permission to be in silence and comforted myself by assuring myself that whatever came up for me I could handle. By providing this reassurance, I created an internal safe space away from the noise of the world. 

   
   

2. Asked myself, all parts of me, what they needed/wanted to express. Then I looked inside. If you’re not familiar with parts work, it’s basically the idea that as we encounter trying circumstances in life, we can create parts of ourselves to handle the stress we’re going through. An example of this might be creating an angry part of ourselves that speaks up or shouts when we’ve been wronged, especially if we’ve experienced circumstances that make speaking up hard. This part might come out when you’ve been slighted and have you act in ways that may surprise you. Another example would be having a child part of you like just wants to draw and build puzzles, because maybe your childhood was tumultuous and you didn’t have time to just experience being. As we become aware of our parts and what they need, we can meet those needs and calm the internal chaos. So, in the stillness I asked who needed what and the feedback I received was that I was putting everyone else’s needs above my own and what my system really needed was for me is to treat myself better than others had treated me. But I didn’t stop there. 

   
   

3. Listened to the internal feedback I received. It’s one thing to solicit internal feedback. However, to make real changes we also have to listen to and engage with that internal feedback. Listening meant not just recognizing the issue but taking corrective action. So I asked myself what it would look like to prioritize myself, what needed to change for me to do this? And allowing myself that space to ask, my system answered as follows: 

   
   

4. Stop looking for external validation. I had been agonizing over a big life decision. I kept looking for answers by searching externally. I was on Reddit and Quora hoping to find some connection with posts. I asked family members and acquaintances to tell me more about their journeys hoping that I could glean some insight. I even tested the waters with coworkers by giving them snippets of the decision I was trying to make and gauging their response. My hope was to generate some sort of consensus on the best course of action. But by engaging in self-reflection, I realized that my method for finding answers was flawed. The reason I was agonizing over the decision was because it was deeply meaningful and personal...to me. I realized to find the answer I was searching for I had to prioritize my values and wants and look internally. No one else was holding the key to happiness, so I couldn’t expect them to give me a road map to it. I had to learn to trust myself enough to make a decision based on my intuition and be gentle enough with myself to allow myself to make mistakes along the way. Then the next step was to:

5. Build up trust in myself by making a decision based on my internal compass/what I had learned from reflection. To create trust in my system I had to demonstrate some follow through on what I had learned. So, I moved forward with the decision I had made that I came to internally. I stopped looking for others to cosign on it and decided to just move forward and experience life as it comes. In doing so, I started changing the narrative in my head that was telling me that something outside of me had to happen so that I could feel okay on the inside. I started to trust that what I had been seeking was already inside of me.  

And from that experience of reflection, I experienced a shift in my mood state. I felt more optimistic and more peaceful. The discontent I had been experiencing was likely due to neglecting parts of myself and the frustration that ensues. We humans are a lot like millipedes. There’s a thousand different parts of us impacting our movement forward, and we move forward better when they’re all working in the same direction. So, take some time to engage in self-reflection. Ask yourself what you have to say and what needs you need met. And if you’re looking to build community, reach out to me and let me know how your self-reflection is going. You are so capable! 

Takeaways 

If you’re doing all the things but still unhappy. It might be time to engage in some self-reflection. Give yourself permission to sit in silence and ask yourself what parts of you are being neglected. Then take the time to nurture yourself through that. We operate best when all parts of ourselves are moving forward, together.