Sobriety vs. Abstinence to build a life worth living

Freedom from addiction isn't just abstinence. It's building a life worth living.

Drink. Don’t drink. Drink. Don’t drink. Drink. Don’t drink.

A running commentary loops endlessly in my mind as I try to navigate my day without alcohol. How draining it is to spend the moments between awakening and slumbering obsessing over the same decision. And if I were to manage the day without picking up a drink, that was success! Right? 

Well yes and no.

Since being in treatment I have learned the life-saving difference between sobriety and abstinence. In my early attempts to get sober, I chased abstinence. I viewed not drinking as the solution to all my problems that drinking paradoxically had solved. I carried the idea that if I only avoided alcohol I would be happy, more social, lose weight, have self-discipline, charge forward to life challenges, and accomplish long-held goals. However, that was not the case. 

In early attempts at abstinence I struggled because:

1. I tried to do it alone

2. I fixated on “not drinking” instead of the reasons drinking had me hooked

3. I looked at external sources of progress instead of turning inward

This attempt at sobriety, everything changed.

Firstly, my mindset shifted prior to seeking treatment. During previous attempts at abstinence I held the steering wheel of my life in a vice grip. Previously, I had insisted on being the sole driver in my life. As I approach this next chapter in my life I wanted to navigate around Sobriety vs. Abstinence to build a life worth living. This time around I was struggling enough to admit the following: 

1. I need help

2. I can’t do it alone

3. I’m open to guidance on how

With that willingness to earnestly try anything at least once or twice to see if it could help me, I became open to progress. And boy was there a plethora of suggestions, resources, guides, people, and opinions. Go to AA. Find a sponsor. Work the steps. Exercise. Be of service. Pray. Meditate. Recite positive affirmation. Develop a morning routine. Stick to an evening routine. Call someone in recovery daily. Journal. I clung onto each suggestion as strongly as I could and went about adopting new ideas and habits. Was this recovery? I couldn’t see the whole path before me but what I soon realized is that this “recovery” thing involved a whole lot more than abstinence. 

Sobriety vs. Abstinence-building a life worth living

While abstaining from your drug of choice is a key element in recovery, living in sobriety is so much more than that. To successfully and happily live sober involves a cosmic shift to create a life that we no longer want to constantly escape from. When I realized that my whole perspective shifted. I started to think about my values, my hobbies, my character, my dreams, my goals. To move forward in sobriety required internal work much more than I initially realized. I had to ask myself questions like: who am I? What are my values? What’s holding me back? What’s making me get in my own way? What does my ideal life look like and how do I get there? What am I running from or avoiding? And as I began to ask myself these questions a brighter future came into focus.

Like many who seek sobriety, I came to the understanding that drinking was not the problem. Drinking was the solution I had chosen to solve a multitude of problems. With liquor in my system I could drown out bothersome things like: low self-esteem, poor body image, self-hatred, past regrets, future anxieties, negative self-talk, and career dissatisfaction. And it was in treatment, where I was physically removed from my substance of choice, that these problems I had been avoiding came to surface. 

Initially, these problems unveiling themselves was daunting. Thinking about them made my cravings worse. Looking at all of them at once made me feel sobriety was an impossible dream. How on earth was I supposed to fix all this brokenness? The response I heard from those with longer in recovery was: one day at time and just do the next right thing. These infuriatingly simple suggestions were difficult to accept. I wanted everything fixed and I wanted it fixed NOW. 

As I progressed in treatment I began realizing the wisdom behind those words. As a therapist once told me, there’s no past and there’s no future, the only time we actually have access to is this moment right now. Another harsher phrasing offered to me was “if we have one leg in the past and one leg in the future, we’re pissing all over the present.” That began my journey of accepting the importance of staying present in order to take effective action.

The ability to take suggestions represents a huge part of recovery which is surrendering to the fact that 1) I was addicted 2) I could not control the addiction 3) a higher power of my choosing could help set me free. Now these ideas are not easy to swallow. In our society we get so many mixed messages: drinking is fun! Drink to celebrate! Drink when things hurt. You deserve a drink. Drink a lot to party but don’t drink so much to embarrass yourself. Drinking will help you with depression, even though alcohol is a depressant. In our society, we value power and control. However, in the throes of addiction we lose both of those whether we admit it or not. The deeper we get into sobriety the more we realize the paradox that the more we try and control things, the more out of control things get. We also realize that whenever we surrender our will and actions to a higher power of our choosing, the more things seem to line up in our favor. 

But what is life like without the crutch of addiction? What is reality when I’m bombarded by all the emotions I’ve been running from? How do I relax when I convinced myself that drinking until I passed out was the only way that I could sleep? What do I do with all the free time that comes when I’m not giving all my time over to the bottle? What is life like without this thing that’s turned from fun to very unfun? When we stop using substances, we space to contemplate a world with more peace, connection, and purpose. We gain the ability to live a different life. And that’s the beauty of sobriety versus abstinence. 

Abstinence is removing the substance without creating a life that walks in the solution. It’s problem focused. Where sobriety starts to be exciting is when we realize that the true freedom in recovery is creating a life that we don’t want to escape from. It involves processing past hurts, embracing a positive community, reconnecting with hobbies, rediscovering who we are without numbing and checking out. Suddenly, goals and dreams don’t seem so far away. We begin to see worth in our journey as we realize how powerful sharing this lived experience can be. 

Abstinence says: don’t drink. Sobriety says: what do we enjoy and how can we do more of it? Abstinence says: don’t drink. Sobriety says: how can we heal what we’re running from? Abstinence says: don’t drink. Sobriety says: how can we love ourselves unconditionally just like we’ve been craving from other people? Abstinence says: don’t drink. Sobriety says: how can we live a life aligned with what’s important to us? How can we find out what’s important to us? Abstinence says: don’t drink. Sobriety says: how do we create an environment of people that elevate us and cherish us as much as we do them?

And the list goes on.

Abstinence is when we finally stop digging the hole. Sobriety is everything that happens when we climb out of it.

Takeaways

Abstinence is just the beginning to reclaiming and rebuilding an extraordinary life. Sobriety is everything that happens as we build a life that we enjoy.  Abstinence is necessary but not sufficient for true sobriety. Opening ourselves to suggestions and trying things out with a true willingness and open-mindedness is how we start healing. Moving from isolation to connection with sober supports and people who truly care about us creates the foundation of a beautiful life that we feel so grateful to be a part of.

If you’re struggling with an addiction. There is a way out.

If abstinence scares you. It scares many of us.

If you can’t see your future yet. Just take one step forward.

You’re not alone. You can heal. You can rebuild. 

There’s a whole beautiful community and life waiting for you. 

Disclaimer: The information on this website is not a substitute for professional treatment, it is not intended to diagnose or treat. If you have a mental health or addiction concern please refer to the resources below. If you or someone you love is in danger of hurting themselves or others  please call emergency services (911).

If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction or mental health:

• SAMHSA: Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration has a helpline: 1-800-662-4357 with 24/7 365 referral services. Treatment resources can also be found online here. Or text for local resources by sending your zip code to 435748 (HELP4U) 

• 988 is the national crisis and suicide help line.

• Text “home” to 741741 to text with a mental health support 24/7 365

• To connect with sober support groups around the globe you can visit https://www.aa.org/ for alcoholism support or https://na.org/ for narcotic abuse support.